I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
