He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
