Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
