roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm just crazy horny about you
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
