I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
