There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
