i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
