So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
