I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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