im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
