take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
are you so shy because you have an std?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize