Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
