There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
