I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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