I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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