Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
