i don't like sucking hair
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
