mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Everyone says I win the strip club
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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