You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
