Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
