Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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