Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
