i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
