Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
