got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
