Cold hands, warm shart.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
