How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
