Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
