To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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