Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
