this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
After tacos, we're chasing women.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
