Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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