we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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