it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Houston, we have a blender
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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