At least make sure they are 18
Why
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
