Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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