What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
