after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
