I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
