ya dads aren't the best wingmen
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize