Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
