dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
