Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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