Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
