Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize