I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
