u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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