We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
