God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
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