So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
