So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
