i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
