I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
