She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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