he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We don't watch enough power rangers
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
