is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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