You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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