i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
