my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
