clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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