he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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