if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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